Emmett Does Work
by xxJxROxx
Summary: Emmett just can't seem to get a job- every single one he goes to something goes wrong. Will he ever find his perfect occupation? All Vampire. R&R!
1. Staples

**Emmett Does Work. **

**Chapter One- Staples with Eddie.**

**Emmett's POV**

_Why in the hell do I work at Staples anyways? _I glanced to my left, and then to my right. Eddie's depressed face hit me full on.

_Ooh, now I remember. To make Eddie's life an epic fail._

"Why don't you work at a movie rental store? You know, one where you can take the movies from the _Adult Section _and watch them on your fucking portable DVD player while a little girl comes up and asks you where she can find movies about Barbie?"

…_Shit. That was the longest thing Eddie's said in ages. Well, time to be a jack ass about it!_

"There are sooo many problems with that. First of all, movie stores are usually owned by Arabian families- they wouldn't hire me," I paused, sort of for…dramatic affect. _Effect. No- affect. Shit, fuck it. _"Second, I have my _own _pornos. Third, Barbie can go suck my-"

At that moment, a sweet little blonde girl with big blue eyes stared up at me, waiting to find out what Barbie sucks. Fortunately, I don't believe any age is too young to learn about the human anatomy.

"-dick. She can deep throat it too, if she wants." The girl tilted her head to the side in confusion, and walked towards her mother.

"MOMMY? WHAT'S A DICK? CAN I HAVE ONE?" What'd she think, you could just buy a dick on eBay?

…_. But can you?_

That's some serious shit, that is.

"Honestly Emmett, she was a four year old child," Edward pinched the bridge of his nose and shook his head in frustration.

"I knew what a dick was before I was four…" As I should have!

"That's because you have one."

"How do _you _know that, Eddie? Have you ever physically seen it?"

"Unfortunately, yes I have."

_WHAT?!?!?!!?_

"WHEN?!" I screamed at the top of my lungs- If it wasn't obvious enough I could care less that I was in a work place. I needed to know this shit!

"Mmm, I don't know…" he walked up to a box of pens and made sure that the **Staples **label could be seen on every one. Testing my patience. "…possibly every time you consume alcohol?"

_Ooh. Now I get it._

"YOU PUT ECSTASY IN MY LEMONADE LAST NIGHT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU SICK, PERVERTED, MASOCHISTIC, IMMBECILE-"

He only looked at me in silence.

"I'm _done," _is all that left his lips as he took off his Staples Employee branded t-shirt and threw it on the ground.

"No! EDDIE! You can't quit on me-"

"I'm _not _quitting," he chuckled darkly as he began to stomp off to the manager's office. "I'm getting my shift changed."

"DON'T DO IT! I CAN CHANGE!"

He was already too far ahead- and well, I wasn't allowed in the manager's office without good reason. Supposedly, I 'take advantage of the mint bowl' and that just isn't allowed in Staples. So I did what Emmett would do in a situation like this. I sat down in the middle of the printer isle and started bawling my eyes out. Minus the tears.

The only reason I was even here in the first place was because of Eddie, and now he was leaving me. But I'm no quitter- I'll stay here until I get fired.

I turned on my iPod and started cleaning up some slurpee spillage in isle three.

This definitely wasn't the life Rihanna was singing about.

Realization hit me head on-

_Was this what an Epiphany was like?!_

I wasn't meant to work at Staples, I was supposed to go out into the real world- make an impact on mankind!

Too bad I didn't know where to start.

x

Three weeks have gone by without a single word from Eddie, and I was still stuck working at Staples. There was a new bar opening way closer to the house, and I really wanted to work there instead. So of course, operation get-fired-so-I-don't-have-to-be-a-quitter began.

A kind, elderly woman walked up to me and politely asked, "Where can I find the crayons?"

"DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE A FUCKING CLUE, LADY?" _Heh._

"Listen up, son, I've been on this Earth twice, or maybe three times longer than you-"

_I don't think so lady._

"-and I've seen a lot more, and done a lot more and -"

"Do you have a fucking point?" I asked bluntly.

"Yeah!" She shook her cane in the air before viciously beating my leg with it- "Bitches like you are the reason the Earth is melting! Go to hell!" And with that she took her wooden piece of shit and walked away.

_Did I just get owned by a granny?_

_Pshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Nah._

Of course, she went to the front desk and reported me for not helping her find the crayons and disrespect, and immediately afterwards I was fired.

Off to the bar I go!


	2. Bar of Hope

A/N: Thanks to MissMusicLover for reviewing. And silver_rose, because they gave me an ideaaaaa! Props to you; this chapter is yours.

If anyone has any places they want Emmett to work, just review or PM me.

**Recap!: Emmett got fired from his job at Staples and is now going to work at a bar down the street from his home.**

**Chapter Two - Bar Of Hope.**

**Emmett's POV **

I talked to the manager who owned that bar down the street- and they really needed bartenders so I got the job. His questions were really weird though…

_**Flashback!**_

"_Hello, I'm Emmett McCarty. I'm wondering if there's an opening job at your new bar?" I spoke into the phone. Please please please please please hire me. Please._

"_There is an open spot at the bar- just tell me boy, what do you look like?" What the fuck? Who is this douche?_

_He's lucky I really need a job._

"_Well, umm I'm 6'5", I have a lot of brown hair and hazel eyes-"_

"_What about muscles?" he interceded. Muscles? What, is he worried if I can hold a glass or not?_

"_I have a lot of those too, sir," I answered back politely. No need to piss off the possibly Arabian boss who might just have a gun._

"_Chest hair?"_

"_Not really?" I questioned back. Chest hair was disgusting! I hate it when old men have it and its all grey and wiry and coming out of their shirts; just like my ninth grade history teacher…he was a midget too-_

"_Darn. Oh well, you'll have to do," he said arrogantly. That son of a bitch is lucky I don't show my emotions over the phone. "Report in tomorrow night."_

"_See you then, sir." _

"_I'll be waiting-"_

_I hung up the phone and pretended I never heard his last words._

_**End of Flashback**_

I walked into the bar at nine to start my shift. A man came up from behind me and whispered in my ear, "Ooh Emmett McCarty, you're way better than I imagined," he then decided it was a good time to slap my ass.

"WHOAAAAAAA-"

He interrupted me, "You like that? I hope you do, since I'm you're new boss."

_What the hell did I get myself into. _

_Honestly, why does this shit always have to happen to __me__?_

"Yup, I sure do sir," I could even tell my voice was shaking.

"My name is Michael, by the way. But you can call me Master M," he tried to say alluringly.

"I think I'll stick with Michael," I said bluntly.

He ignored me, and pointed to the left side of the bar. "You'll be stationed on that side. On the other side will be Jamie."

_Jamie? Please be a woman! Please please please please please--_

_Oh SHIT!_

A huge ass _male _came over to me and started giggling.

"I'd like to see you shaking _those _goodies on stage tonight. A he he!" He sounded like a fucking TELLE TUBBY!

"I'm guessing you're Jamie," I said plainly.

"Yes, and you're God, A HEHE!"

"Would you hold on, just a second?" I didn't really ask, I just stated it. I walked outside of the place and stared at the sign.

"_**Bar of Hope- The best place for gays to hang in Forks!**_" I read aloud from the sign. I should've figured this shit out sooner!

Men of all sizes and ages started walking in, _checking me out_ as they went.

Fuck this! Fuck my morals of never quitting-

I gave one last look at the Bar of Hope before heading down the street, back to my apartment.

Never would I step foot in that devil place ever again.

**A/N: Sorry it's so short, but I decided until I start getting more reviews, like five more, and **

**then I'll add longer chapters. **


End file.
